A narcoleptic, insecure, sad, cold. Eza, 19.

Monday, September 16, 2013

I wonder how it feels like to be completely happy without worrying what hurt and pain feels like. I observe every single person that I see. They are all so happy, it's written on their faces. No doubt, it's true. They laugh over silly things and keep on laughing and then they stop with a smile. The sparkles that occurs on their face made jealousy get over me. Sometimes I wonder, doesn't they feel the anxiety? They laugh and be happy with the people that would never make them hurt. Isn't your heart fulls of jealousy whenever you sees someone or anybody that you known laugh and smile because of someone else? I bet you do.

What anxiety feel like? Let me explain; Anxiety is where all the worries get over you, ruin your mood and you feel so depress all the time. You didn't want to be an overthinking person, but you just did. You tried to avoid all the pain, but you just can't. Feeling hurt inside is way more painful than hurt in physicals. You tried not to hurt anyone, yes, you have tried your best. But things will always change. People will get hurt with you even on simple things. And you can't even avoid about that.

Parents will always never understands what we feel, what we've been trough even tho they've been a teenagers just like us before. Maybe they've forgotten what it feels like to be young because they are all busy thinking that they'll going to be old. True. Sometimes parents will never appreciate every single efforts that their child do to make them proud, that's okay. 

As you know, I'm the only daughter in my house. My siblings are all boys. I don't have the inner natural beauty that every girls would have cause I'm just like my brothers. If I act like a girl; real girl, I would probably hate it. Cause that is not what I am. I never make my parents proud. Never. They're never happy with me. With my grades, my attitude, the way I bring myself, with who I contact with. They never like it. I tried to be the best to make them proud, but something stop me. 

"Show me the way, show me the lights, please help me to change. I don't want to disappointed my parents again. I don't want my friends to get hurt by my attitude. I want to change. I want to be happy. I want my heart always have those lights to guide me to the right way. Show me the way, Ya Allah."

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