Do you remember how many times I've said that I gave up? How many times I said that I'm totally tired but I keep on putting all the broken pieces back just to make myself better? How many times I said that I don't want to go for it on another day again cause it ache my heart? How many times I said where I lock myself in my room and crying limply on my bed without stopping? It is just too hard to feel the same thing all over again. I feel like I wanna die.
It's very hard to accept for who I am. I can't even be stable with my emotions and all I do is fight with it all day along. Never feel okay, never. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I know much about it. Words can't tell how much I'm broke over everything. And I can't explain it either towards myself just to make me, happy like I want to. I don't have motivations, no more. If people realise about it, they will motivate me and I'll listen but sorry, I can't keep in my heart and follow. It's hard, too hard cause this feeling is so screw up.
I cried. In front of my girls. I can't even explain on how really I feel because it's too hard for me. They said that; "You don't have to be sad just about this. It won't gives you anything. Just do your best and don't give up. Maybe not now, but it will come, soon. Be patience." I know they're right. But I think that people will never know on how I really felt all this years. Imagine waiting for something when you've already work hard for it but still it didn't show up. Maybe you don't know how it feels like. But I do. I tried to love myself, but as far as I do, I'll end up hating myself all over again.
I keep on telling my mum that I want to be skinny. I workout, I didn't eat. I push away all the junk foods. I would give many excuses to my girls if they want to hang out in the evening because I want to stay at home and burn all of this fat. I told her that I'm tired with a cracked voice one day trying to hold my sadness and depression. I'm a teenager, I don't want to overthink. I don't want anxiety to get over me. She told me to be positive and I nod. But sorry mama, I can't be like what you want; being positive.
"What should I do more, Ya Allah?"