She was happy back then. Always laugh, smile, giggles, chuckle and smirk. She didn't care what people say, as long as she was happy knowing that even she's sad, she would have somebody to turn into. All the screw up feelings would stay for awhile and gone right away. Her life full of dreams, hopes, and fantasy. She had the confidence, that no one can bring her down and break her into pieces. She thought that life being too nice to her, and she was thankful every single day. She doesn't know what is the mean of sadness. Never been in her life, crying into sleep, fight with her emotions all day long, being insecure all the time, never been push away by anyone and picking up all the broken pieces back again even she hated it.
But her happiness is not long tho. Day by day, she felt like nobody cares. Nobody would turn into her when all she wanted to cry. She felt insecure all the time. She questioned to her self;
"why am i so pathetic?"
"Why am I so ugly?"
"why nobody listen to what I want to say?"
And, there's something that keeps her awake all night long.
"I am fat. I am ugly. That's why people push me away. I am stupid, I can't fight for things that I have to. Why am I putting these fake smile when all I ever wanna do is cry and scream? I don't deserve to be with anyone. Being alone is the best. I'm hurting myself, I'm hurting those people that I love. I can't make them happy because I'm not happy."
She didn't know what to do. She wanted to tell someone, but her mouth keeps it shut. Anxiety got all over her. Day by day, the honest smile that she always showed, gone. Her eyes swollen because of the night tears. She's having eating disorder. And one day, she knew what happened to herself.
The monsters inside her head keeps on whispering. Keeps on spreading the anxiety inside herself. Her eyes always fix down, doesn't want to have an eye contact with anyone. Her heart hurts so much, because no one cares. She's fighting with herself. People keeps on judging, telling that why is she so sad, why did she look pathetic, why did she seek for crap attentions. She cried her heart out, alone, in the bathroom. No one understands. No one will understands how it feels like being pushed away by someone that they thought would never have to. No one will know, what is going on in 'depression' mind.
That night, she was all alone. Laying limply on her bed. Staring on the ceiling. Tears keep on pouring out. The doors lock. One lamps lighten up the whole room. She sits up, looking at her table drawer. She stood up and found a razor. She took a deep stare at it and went back to her bed. She folded her legs together on her chest. She rest her chin on her knees while holding staring at the razor in front of her. She said to herself.
"I'm tired. I can't fight with this monsters anymore. I'm giving up. No one understands."
She took it, and put on her right wrist. She closes her eyes and lumped on her skin. She opens, and saw a slight cut. She lumped again, and blood starts to bleed. She didn't feel pain at all.
"If this is the last night for me, monsters, you win."
She whisper to herself. She keeps on lumping to her skin and her skin bleeds. She smile slightly and lay herself down. She starts to feel dizzy, her vision blurred. The razor hit the vein. She didn't help herself, because no one is helping her. She keeps on blaming herself for what happened. She thinks that suicidal is the best way.
"Mom, dad, I'm sorry for letting you down with my grades. I can't be the daughter that you guys wanted to. I'm sorry. I can't let you guys down anymore. This time, you two will be happy because you can't shout at me like you used to. Dearself, sorry for not fighting till the end. Sorry for giving up. Sorry for feeling like this. It's time for me, to die and be all alone forever."
What happened to her next? She really died. Conclusion, depression can eat you.
Written by: Eza Ezzati
Ideas & Illustration: Eza Ezzati.