These days, I've been wasting my time infront of the laptop screen customizing my 3 account on Tumblr, watching Kdrama's, search for jazz and classical songs on Youtube, watching Disney's movies marathon, eat sleep, eat and sleep again. This is just so depressing. I don't even know what to do. My workout routine has been off like for a month. Since the PMR juniors took their exam's. And all that I can say is, my heart is not in peace. It's because I just found out my end year exam result was not good enough. I mean not good enough, it's really bad bad bad enough. Then when I think about it all over again, I think of suicide. I don't know, it's just I can't imagine standing in front of my parents, looking at their both eyes. Like flames dynamite waiting to explode. I am such a disappointment daughter of this family. To be honest, the rest of my siblings are really good in their own studies. Including my youngest brother. He got 80-90 marks on his Maths paper. That is really outstanding. Except his English. Still like a child is crawling. Sigh.
What kind of conclusion that I can make? Mhm. Too many. First, after all this 4 years spending my time in high school, not even once I've made my parents proud of myself. Not even once. In studies? Sigh. They were expecting too much from me. Especially in Maths. I know Maths is important but I just hated Maths since I know what school is. My parents told me to take this some kind of test to be an English teacher. I know what they meant. Since I can't do anything good in Maths or so whatever but except English, that's why they asked me about it. There was this time, I overheard my Papa said to Mama that she has to teach me in knitting, cooking. If I know how to knit, I can open a boutique in the future or restaurant. Well, that is what I want. But the way they talked like, yeah they know that I'll never be the daughter of their proudest. It's quite heartbreaking to even know it even they didn't say anything. To be an English teacher? I will say no at this time. I had students. To be honest, yeah. Really.
In Shaa Allah, next year gonna be my year. I'm going to push hard no matter what. Depression, stay away from me just for a year okay babe? I'm going to study hard for this. For SPM. Kun Fa Ya Kun untuk impian. In Shaa Allah, Amin!