I stare outside the window. It's raining. I folded together my feets and land my palm on my knees and rest my head on top of my palm. I take a deep breath. The smell of my room is just too good. No wonder I hate going out and spend my time with other people. I reach out my pink diary infront of me. I lean my back on the wall and place the book on my thigh. I press the pen button and start dancing the ball pen on it.
"Another day, it's raining. I wonder how it feels like to play with the rain. Is it cold once the drop touches my skin? Do I get such a quick cold while dancing under the rain? I don't know."
I play with my pen as I pout my lips. I put down my diary on its place and slowly open the window. I can feel slightly breeze of the wind coming through touching my skin. I smile and close my eyes. All the memories starts to flashback in my mind. The happiness, the sadness, all of it. I reach out my hands out and slowly starts to feel the cold water drops on my finger. I let my palm stretch out. The rain drops land on my palm. Then something hitted me.
I met this one guy who made me change who I used to be. I don't know why he could be so gentle in loving me. I just thought that we were friends until one day I know the truth that he has been loving me secretly. I was really mad at first because I thought that we're just gonna be friends and not more than that. After knowing that he had made the biggest mistakes for ruining our friendship, I push him away. I don't know why I did that but I hated him so much.
Day by day he came up to me for apology. Saying that he was wrong. He should have keep this friendship. I told him that what he said is true. But it's too late now, for me. One day while I was walking back home at night as I just finish up my class, I find something that really worries me. While I was passing two houses of the road, someone grab my wrist and drag me into some kind of place. I can't remember what place is that but I could feel that there's a long flat bench and there's two man who's with me. One of it push me down making me lay down. I tried to scream but the man's force just too strong and I can't breathe. I pray to God that nothing happens to me.
As I open my eyes I screamed in terror. Sweats all over me. I look around. There, I saw the most lovely face on earth. My mom. She grabbed my shoulders and brought me into a warm hug. I cried. I don't know why, but I felt so scared.
"I should get going."
I heard someone talk. Then I felt my mom's head nodded. I want to look behind but I was too scared. And I can't even recognize the voice. I don't know for how long I've been in my mom's hug. But as I woke up once again, I heard the rain drops on top of our house roof. It feels so good and calming. I opened my eyes slowly and saw Melia was sleeping soundly beside me. She must have sleep with me. I thought. I walk towards my window and look up the sky. Its too dark. But there's still a light that rays on earth. Then I saw someone walking out from my house. I didn't see his face as he was using an umbrella. A man? Yes. A man.
"Miersya, are you ready?"
I look behind and saw my mom.
My mom walked in and put something on my desk. I look from distance.
"Be strong. I'll be right down, if you need me."
My mom didn't smile. She just woke Melia up and both of them leave me alone in the room. I stood there. Don't know what to do. But my eyes glued still on my desk. Slowly, I walk towards my desk. There's a medium size of Yaasin booklet. I narrowed my eyes. Beside the booklet there's a piece of baju kurung and a lovely soft pink shawl. I haven't see it. Then my mom walked in, again.
"Get dress up, sayang. We're gonna meet him for the last time."
I don't understand what was my mom saying. Like a robot, I just did what she asked me to do. So I did. I walked down to the hall room. I could feel the sorrow of someone feelings.
"Ready for what?"
My father just smile slightly and tap on my shoulders. My mom walked down and grab my shoulders and brings me to the car. Melia and Nal stayed at home as I heard my mom demand them to. I keep on looking outside the window. Staring at the rainy drops. I don't know for how many hours or minutes we've been travelling in the car. But then, the car stop as some place that I've never seen before.
"We're here. You can go now. Or when you really ready."
I look at my father as he was talking. I look down. Trying to received what he said. Then I saw a lump around my wrist. It's still hurts. I tried to remember what happened last night, but my heart just can't let me be. I look outside and saw one by one people starts to leave the place. Then I saw someone I knew. I opened the door and step on the wet road. I wanted to call her but seeing her face so sorrowly and sadly made me stop. My mom hold my hand and walked beside me inside that place. I can't remember what I saw. But I could remember the wet road. I was only looking down. Many thoughts crossed my mind. Too many. And something made me came up to my sense. Him.
"He saved you."
I was standing in front of this new wet soil grave and on top of that there's a beautiful flowers had been poured. I heard what my father said. But I just can't believe what I saw. There's no way that he already left. I crippled down on the mat and touch his grave. All my wrong doings that I've done towards this one person flash. I can't hold back my tears, anymore.
It's been a year since I last saw him. If I could turn back the time, I shouldn't have do that to him. I should have open my heart quick for him. I shouldn't be mad, yell and scream at him for loving me. I'm the one who's in blame. I made him fall in love with me. I made him feels comfortable with me. I made him sees my flaws. I made him falls. Whenever I tried to blame myself for doing those things that I should not have, I remember his last letter.
Hey pretty. Sorry for ruining this friendship. I don't know what I feel but what I feel is true. I fall in love with you. Deeply, madly, purely in love with you. I thought you felt the same way like I did. So I confessed. But main reason I confessed to you is because I think that I don't have that much time. I'm sick. I don't want to tell you. Because I thought you would feel very sad about that. And one day, I told my mum I want to stop all of this. If Allah wants to take me, he can. Because I'm all His. So I want to finish up all the breath that I have till my last breath to be with you as my wife. I want to lead you, as a husband. I wanna have kids and grow old with you. But I think there's no fate between us in Dunia. It's okay. I will wait for you, in Jannah. In Shaa Allah. If you miss me, recite Al-Fatihah. If you want to see me, come to my grave and clean it and put beautiful flowers on. Take care Miersya. My first and last love. Don't blame yourself for what you've done. Don't, please. Till we meet again, in another life. In Shaa Allah."
I remember every single words he wrote to me. For so many times I cried whenever I read. But it's getting old. I've been able to let go the sadness. I then smile remembering the last phrase he wrote. I shake my palm few times and wipe it on my face. Whenever its raining, I've always do that. Rain reminds me of him. May he rest is peace. We will meet again..
Written by: Eza Ezzati
Dedicate (been asked and force to write) to: Dzarith Miersya.