A narcoleptic, insecure, sad, cold. Eza, 19.

Thursday, July 9, 2015


"I was left with no choices."

I sigh. 

"I think you've made up your mind, right?"

I nodded. 

"Its my dream, and I can't leave it behind. Even I rasa berat hati, this is what leads me in the future."

"I faham. I won't stop you."

I turn around, looking at her side figure. her shoulders start to sink inwards, shuddering.

"Let's break up."

Those words came out from her own mouth. I'm not even surprise.

"Yes, we should."

She turns around and smile. I could sense the atmosphere turns grey.

"Kita dah buat all the couples should do. Dating, keluar makan, gave advice, fight, shout, ada rasa rindu, trying to be a better person for ourselves and towards each other. There's  nothing to be left out."

"You make it sounds bad."

She let out a small giggle. I know she's trying to comfort me."

She stops giggling, she stops smiling.

"Let's break up."

And all that we could hear were the sounds of the wind.


"Tiara ada jumpa dengan Rialdi tak?"

My heart just drop upon hearing his name. Feels like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff just few steps away from falling.

"What do you mean ada jumpa?"

My mum sits next to me. I tried to act coolly by focusing my eyes on tv.

"Mama ada terjumpa last week. Masa pergi medical check up."

I tried controlling my breath and the trembles of my fingers.

"Then, you bumped into him? Is it?"

"Not just bumped into him. Dia yang buat check up untuk mama. Dia bagitahu he's in the last year of intern. Then lepastu jadi doctor official dekat situ."

I close my eyes few times trying to calm myself. Just hearing his name makes my heart fluster and all the vein rushing trough my whole body.. I felt like all my cell neuron starts to react into something that I've been buried over for years. 

"Dia single lagi tau."

I smirk.

"Apa kena-mengena dengan Tiara?"

"Why not both of you continue balik. This time, more serious. You pun bukannya muda lagi."

"Ma, I don't want to talk about this."

"Then bila lagi? You said you wanted to have a career before marriage, papa and mama respected  you. And now, you already have it, why not pursue into marriage?"

"I'm not ready. Lagipun Tiara tak ada boyfriend."

"Kalau macam tu, you get back balik dengan Rialdi."

I get annoyed. My heart still hurts, and felt like there's no cure. Get back with him, no. I didn't want neither of us to get hurt again.



"Nombor mama dah kena panggil. Tiara tunggu sini okay."

I just nod and watch my mum walking away. Then I remembered what mum told me few months ago. I look around, analyzing his presence. But nowhere to be seen. Just then a nurse comes up to me.

"Cik Tiara, ibu cik panggil masuk."

I smiled and followed her inside the room. The doctor were examining mum. I sat across the doctor's table.

"Saya sarankan Puan untuk tinggal di hospital untuk beberapa hari."

"Untuk ambik darah?"

"Yes. Dan saya kena check balik keadaan buah pinggang Puan."

My mum nod.

"Okay, so Puan boleh ikut nurse. Dia akan uruskan bilik untuk Puan tinggal."

"Lama ke doctor?"

I ask.

"Tak ada lah lama, dalam 2-3 hari. Okay, so, sila, ikut nurse. Lagi cepat buat check up, lagi cepat boleh discharge."

We both walks out following the nurse from behind.

"Harini Rialdi tak check up mama pulak  ye. Haritu kata nak check-up kan."

"Ish mama ni, dia busy lah tu. Lagipun doctor tu kan doctor mama. Mana boleh tukar-tukar. Apa- jadi nanti susah."

As we settle in inside the room, my mum doze to sleep and I decided to take a walk at the Prince Court garden. I walks out from the room silently not to awake mum. Just as I close the door, I turn and surprise to see.. him. Standing in front of me with the same gaze that he used to give me.


"Macam mana sekarang? Dah kahwin?"

She shake one's head.


I shake one's head too.

"I saw your mum the other day. Coincidence, doctor yang selalu check tu ada surgery last minute. So I gantikan."

"I tahu."

"You knew?"

I looked at her, disbelief. Lots of emotions starts to copped inside. She sigh silently and nod.

"Lots of things had changed."

She speaks up and takes a sip on her coffee. Sitting side by side, I felt the distance. She's right beside  me, but far away.



"Lots of things had changed."

I said. 


I took a quick glance of him, realizing that his shoulders seems to be sunk inwards. Like he's trying to hold back something. His lips that used to have colors, looked pale. Few times he close his eyes trying to get a better vision.

"Are you married?"

"Nope. I don't have time. I busy sangat sampai makan pun tak menentu. Shift pun kadang-kadang tak ada masa rehat."

"That's why you're getting skinnier, and.. pale too."

Thinking that maybe he needs a drink. I shove a bottle of water besides me to him.

"Here, drink this."

He looks at the bottle and reach out for it. I could see his fingers trembling. While waiting for him to get the bottles in my hands, I put down my coffee on the other side and that's when I heard a big smack on the floor and realize that he faints. 

"Ya Allah Rialdi!"

The water in the bottle spill on the floor and his coat got some stains from it. I lift up his head patting his face.

"Rialdi, wake up!"

His eyes were half open. I touched his forehead and felt that he's burning up.

"Come, get up. You need to get inside."

"I.. miss-- you."

I stop with what I'm doing. My heart flutters once again. 

"We need to get you inside. There's no one here."

I lift him up and he hold over my shoulders with his arms while I tried to support his whole body. 

"Tolong! He's sick!"


I stares at him silently. Looking back all these years that I never felt contented with one thing, now I realize that he's the missing one. Maybe I told myself before I'm ready to let him go but eventually, it hurts even more. And now comes to mind, not even a second I've ever let him go. Tears starts to pile up, I miss him. I miss when he used to be mine. But now, he's just some kind of person that I used to know. I take a deep breath and wipe all my tears away. Then his eyes starts to open slowly.

"Are you feeling more okay now?"

He gulp down his saliva and nod weakly.

"Nak air?"

I instantly stands up reaching for a glass of water beside the bed. But he stop me by gripping the end of my clothes.

"Where have you been all this time? I miss you."

I froze. My legs not working and I landed on the chair again. I clasp my hands together and looks down embarrassed to show him that I'm crying.

"You know I'm waiting for you kan, Tiara?"


"I'm sorry for not giving any words after we agreed to broke up."



"I said stop."

Tears drools down my cheeks.

"Sepatutnya, kalau benda ni sakit, you and I should have said it. But we didn't."

I lift up my face slowly.

"Kalau sakit cakap sakit. Kalau rindu cakap rindu. Kalau rasa terseksa cakap rasa terseksa. Kalau rasa susah sangat, patut cakap susah. Kalau cakap we have to wait, we should wait. And kalau sayang.. cakap sayang."

I see his eyes starts to pool with water tears.

"You tahu tak dekat mana I rasa sakit sangat bila I teringat you, bila orang sebut nama you?"

I hit my chest hard.

"Dekat sini. I rasa I tak boleh nak bernafas."

"I'm sorry Tiara. I tahu I salah. I tak patut selfish."

"Its our fault."

I clear things up. Its both of us who suffered. And it comes from our own mistake.

"I ada banyak benda nak bagitahu you, Tiara. Tapi when I saw your shoulders sunk inwards macam tak boleh nak terima apa dah, lidah I jadi kebas."

"Kita dua sakit, kan?"

He nods.

"Its enough for me to hear it."

We both stares at each other without words. And we both know, that we're happy now for not letting go of each other at the first place. Lots of things had changed, but our love will never gets old.

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